lil J

So, even after my last post today, I want to dedicate this post to my son lil J. Today is your 12 birthday, and even though things are not as they should be between both you and I, you will soon know, that It was not caused by either you or I. I know today is a special day for you, and I miss having these day's.. I would want nothing more then to be there, holding you in my arms telling you that daddy loves you very much. There is not one day I don't think about you or how you are doing. To pick up the phone and call you is one of the hardest things a dad can go through.

When your not with me, not being able to see me, hear me it crushes my heart. But today, to hear your voice and talk to you just brings so much to my day. Someday, I will be able to explain to you why things happened the way they did, and they might surprise you. I'm not going to bash  your mom, nor will I bash myself over the choices that your mom and I made. We both love you, and neither your mom or I can ever take that away. Hold that close my son, and keep your heart warm.

As I sit here writing this, I think about my relationship with my father (none) and think, "have I turned out to be just like him"? I can truly answer that and say no. My love for you as my son, my first born, will always have a special place in my heart. You and I bare a bond that will never be broken, nor torn. I will never do anything to hurt you, I will never do anything to take away your trust. You will always be able to talk to me, no matter what, I will always be here for you!

My son, you and I will have our day. Even though I can't make up lost time, I will try everything I can to ensure you know your daddy loves you with his whole heart! I truly miss you!!