Monday, June 25, 2012

lil J

So, even after my last post today, I want to dedicate this post to my son lil J. Today is your 12 birthday, and even though things are not as they should be between both you and I, you will soon know, that It was not caused by either you or I. I know today is a special day for you, and I miss having these day's.. I would want nothing more then to be there, holding you in my arms telling you that daddy loves you very much. There is not one day I don't think about you or how you are doing. To pick up the phone and call you is one of the hardest things a dad can go through.

When your not with me, not being able to see me, hear me it crushes my heart. But today, to hear your voice and talk to you just brings so much to my day. Someday, I will be able to explain to you why things happened the way they did, and they might surprise you. I'm not going to bash  your mom, nor will I bash myself over the choices that your mom and I made. We both love you, and neither your mom or I can ever take that away. Hold that close my son, and keep your heart warm.

As I sit here writing this, I think about my relationship with my father (none) and think, "have I turned out to be just like him"? I can truly answer that and say no. My love for you as my son, my first born, will always have a special place in my heart. You and I bare a bond that will never be broken, nor torn. I will never do anything to hurt you, I will never do anything to take away your trust. You will always be able to talk to me, no matter what, I will always be here for you!

My son, you and I will have our day. Even though I can't make up lost time, I will try everything I can to ensure you know your daddy loves you with his whole heart! I truly miss you!!


What do you mean it's Monday?? Who the hell told you to accept the fact that dumb shit happens just because it's Monday...Really?? Forget that.. Monday for me was just super busy.. why do some people just accept defeat? I don't understand.. Either way, not me..

So during my day of work, I as though I did not get anything done/completed as I wanted..So what do I do? I bring it all home so I can work an 19 hour day.. LOL, why me.. Either way, today was a day that I did not accept defeat!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Wait, What??

Funny things are all around us right? So why don't we laugh more? I mean, really?? I could laugh all day as if I was on some drug. I enjoy being happy, and I really enjoy to laugh.. One of my favorite things to do in the whole word is laugh.. Even when I can't breath, I enjoy it. I have laughed so hard, I was turning blue because I could not breath.. Either way, laughing is something that should be done a lot more then not. I am making a promise to myself to laugh more, and live a little more through laughter...


I have been told that blogging can help with issues and hold ups with in your mind.. I am not writing this to have people pity me or by any means feel bad for me. I am very happy with in my life, and I'm enjoying each day. My thoughts today are about past feelings. Things like friends, family, life, ect.. So today I enter my 2nd time of venting though my writing. Maybe this way, I can forgive and forget.

I have very few things to me that are important with in my life. I would rate them like this: Family,friends,work. Yeah, that's about it... I continue to struggle with that.. Why is family and friends so important to me, when normally there is only pain? I'm guessing that's just because I'm that way. When you grow up in a family who really does not know what "family" is, you tend to try to make amends with family.. Who end up not wanting the same common goal. 

I have been very lucky in the last few years to meet with and get a chance to reinvent myself, and forgive those who have hurt me. However, those who have hurt me didn't know they did.. Family is a very hard subject to me, and as I type this, I feel as though I'm violating my own personal space.

On the other side, I have never been in such a deep love with anyone with in my family. Do I love my mother.. Yes. Do I have the love for her that most children would have..No. why is that? I have no idea...However most children would have that unconditional love, I do not. I'm not sure why that is.. maybe it's something inside of me that holds her accountable for all the pain I have deep with in me..

My Father is a whole other story. How a man would walk away from a child whom they know is there flesh, is a total blitz to me.. I can't understand why a person,father,dad could ever do that to a child. I do not have any love for the man that should be my father. I only have "hate", and to have that I know is wrong.

So, with family comes comes others that have married into the family. Wife,husband, step children, half children, ect.. I have to say, I have been married twice.. after being married the first time, I never thought I would get married again.. I truly thought that I had found the love of my life... However, that ended really bad.. However, I was blessed to have a son with her, and for that I'm very grateful. My first born, one of the best parts of being a man, is to have a son. I am truly blessed to have had that part.

With failure comes a dark cloud. This cloud can consume you from the start of your day to the end if you let it. I know when my marriage failed, I did not think I would ever find anyone who could love me for me. I thought I was done, closed for life.. Never to be happy again. Until I found my soul mate, my everything... When I finally started to date, I found this beautiful women. She understood everything I was saying. From the start, we hit it off like we had been friends forever. We spoke almost every night, for hours.. We were in love before we even met. The idea that this was happening to me was amazing.. We now have 2 great,beautiful girls, and with them I have learned that being a dad is different from being a daddy.. To my wife.. Thank you for the love, caring, and friendship that I have longed for my entire life..

Friends are also a very personal spot for me. I do not have many, and the ones I do have are hard to keep in contact with. Life has made things very busy.. However, I look for those who I keep close, to just call, or talk with me.. Those who don't forget me... and stay close thank you for that! Over the years, I have been very luck to reach out to the friends of the past (Thank you Facebook) whom where childhood friends. The friends of the past when shit hit the fan, stood right next to you when you needed them. Through thick and thin, right or wrong, would always be standing right next to you. It's been a great couple of years, and I hope our friendship never goes away..Thank you for being my rock!

My childhood has brought many conflicting things into my life. Like religion.. WOW, this really is not the time to get into this.. lol. However, this is what makes me, me. Yup, I said it!! I have known the bible for many years. I have read it's pages, I have prayed for the spiritual bread to feed my soul, at yet I find myself empty. The bible is the word of god and still I'm so lost.. There is no doubt in my mind that the bible is the word and work of god, but please make one for dummies.. I have had a lot of time to reflect on my beliefs, and think about all the stuff that is within the scriptures. I at one point thought that god had a plan for me to lead, and work with his people. However that either changed, or I did not stop messing with his cookie jar.. either way, I didn't follow the path he put out there for me.

I have found god in other ways however. Not just through the bible, but in conversation with friends, family, and even TV. I have asked god to forgive me and give me the power needed to move on with all the things that I can not forgive, forget, and trust. The path that god has allowed me to follow is not the easy, for only he knows what I can truly handle, and what I can not.. Amen!

I have been very lucky in my employment and a lot of that is due to my dedication. My work ethic, and my willingness to learn at a rate that most can not. I will say that I'm very happy with all the lessons that I have had with work. As most of my friends know, I started working at a young age. I always wanted to have money in my pockett. I was not affraid to work for what I wanted. Nope, no hand me outs here!! Everything I have ever wanted I bought myself. For that, I'm very grateful. Not that it wouldnt of been nice for a bone once in a while, but it tought me the value of earning what I wanted. Now, I'm not perfect, and like most have had some issues with money in the past, but I'm much better off learning on my own then someone giving it to me.

Enought ranting, I'm off to bed. I think I have a much more clear mind now..